Sunday December 30, 2018

Psalm 23

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures; he leads me beside still waters; he restores my soul. He leads me in right paths for his name’s sake.

Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I fear no evil; for you are with me; your rod and your staff—they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; you anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord my whole life long.

I woke up this morning plagued by a nasty cold, which would normally not effect me much, but combine with my asthma it really was giving me a lot of trouble, so in bed I stayed. I had a really hard time breathing all day today, but I did manage to make it down for meals, though nothing else, not even church. I hate missing church, but there was no way I was going to be able to make it through the service without coughing and disrupting the service.

As Jeff was leaving for church he mentioned that he wanted to take some time to be with God today and that he would be doing that later today. Then when he got back from worship he said that in church today they talked about how it is important to spend time with God every day and it was as though God was speaking directly to him. So almost immediately after church he headed out to the jungle with the Bible and some snacks. He spent a good portion of the afternoon out there, just reading and praying and enjoying God’s gift of this place. He also took some really amazing pictures.

I spent my day with God between my patio and my bed sleeping. Despite being sick, I have been feeling very close to God recently and have especially felt his presence over the last 2 days as He has modified our plans for our last 5 months abroad and we were willing to happily follow.

As I spent a good portion of the afternoon praying and connecting with God, I also spent some of the afternoon fighting and arguing with Anjali. She and I have been struggling. She is trying to spread her wings of independence and therefore is having difficulty respecting the boundaries and rules that I set. I am also running on fumes trying to constantly find new ways to regain her respect (though I don’t know how I lost it in the first place). Things have gotten to the point that even when I ask her to help me with something or ask her to do a chore I am getting a sassy and disrespectful response, and today was no different. I just can’t win and today I felt like a total failure as a parent because she continues to be rude and disrespectful, even to the point of being verbally abusive at times. I started asking myself where I went wrong. I am constantly trying to search for the reasons why she is acting this way to no avail. A big part of me believes that this is just a normal stage in our relationship, but that doesn’t make it any easier. I know this time in her life is quite difficult and confusing (she is 11 1/2 and the hormones have started to peak through the sand), which is why I am trying really hard to find ways to support and encourage her, but when I do this she seems to get even more upset with me. I know this will pass, as most things do, I just pray that I can find a way to express to her that she is loved more than she could ever imagine and that all I do (especially the discipline) is done because I love her and only want the best for her. I also will continue to ask God for guidance, wisdom, and patience as I walk this path. I know He is with me and that He will guid me through this, I just need to trust in His way.

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